The morning after I killed myself

The morning after I killed myself I woke up. I made my bed and picked my shoes up off the floor.
I wore my favorite shirt that went out of style a year ago.
I ate a double chocolate brownie
and then I ate another one.

The morning after I killed myself I told that boy I loved him. Not the boys who whistled at me on my morning runs or the boys that tried to take me up to the canyon.
It was the boy that always had headphones in during class, but took them out when I said hi.
Today he didn't take his earbuds out. He stared at the ground with stone cold eyes.

The morning after I killed myself I walked past the girls in school that usually whispered and laughed about my clothes.
Instead they looked at each other with guilt painted on their lips.
I said it was okay that they made fun of me all those years.

The morning after I killed myself I held my mom as she sobbed on my bedroom floor, clinging to notes I wrote in 5th grade that said "Thank you for everything you do I love you mom"
I held my dad's hand when he curled up in his office with the door locked, regretting to schedule that extra meeting before coming home.

I sat by my best friend as she replayed the dance video we made at 3 in the morning that summer. And replayed it and replayed it and replayed it.

I watched the neighborhood girls pick flowers and put the yellow poppies in each others hair. I followed the clouds dancing slowly and let the sun touch my scars. I listened to the old man down the street whistle as he carried a picnic basket up the hill. His wife held his hand gently behind him.

The morning after I killed myself I walked to the cemetery where men in jeans were digging my grave. I decided I could have made it. High school wasn't that bad. They did care about me. I could have picked flowers too. The sun felt good and my mom was kind.

The morning after I killed myself I decided I wanted to live. But we don't always get what we want, do we?

* this is my personal take on a poem written by Meggie Royer. Thank you for inspiring me to share my own emotions related to this topic.