Sleepless in 301

Don't trace your first name and his last name

with the dots that show up in the back of your tired eyelids

And definitely don't think of his lip brushing your cheek 

2 am isn't the time to be wondering if you should have said hey or hi or what's up :)

Scratch the emoji that would mean you're too excited to talk to him

And maybe you should have hugged him with both arms over?

Wait no, he always liked his arms over your shoulders

Shit, you should have let him hug you first

Hopefully you didn't have salad in your teeth

you're trying to look slimmer even though Thanksgiving is coming up

Are you thinking about him again?

Stop

It's already 2:47 

and you're still wondering if he turned off his read receipts on iMessage

because he wanted to ignore you without you knowing

Stop it 

Close your eyes and don't try to fix the stutter you had yesterday

2:50 just sleep

2:54 It's easy, just forget about the way he makes you feel

2:55 No, cuddling him right now wouldn't make you sleep better

3:01 I love him 

3:01 I love him 

3:01 I love h

When was the last time you looked at my blog?

You probably have all forgotten about me huh?
That's okay, it happens quite a lot actually
I have a knack for disappearing.
Even though being forgotten is one of the most gut wrenching fears I have
I let it happen
Kinda like kissing the boy that everyone knows gets around but you do it anyway because those lips...
So here's to fresh starts and trying again
I'm probably not on your top 5 anymore
And when you think of your favorite writer on the blogs my name slips your mind
But don't forget about me quite yet
You haven't even seen the half of it

The reason I'm alive

She loved the night

For the stars that reminded her

She was still alive 

One hell of a brick

They painted my vocabulary with curse words and graffiti

I'm a brick

I let them decide what I would be

I'm just a brick

My mom replaced me with stucco walls

Just a brick

I stay home on Friday nights, because I never was a student section kind of person

I didn't get asked to Homecoming

Brick

My boyfriend hits on my 30 year old sister

Brick Brick Brick 

They tear me down and still expect me to lift them up 

But the pain built up inside actually held me together

And I didn't crumble under pressure

I stood my ground

I chose to be one hell of a brick

Sunday Eyes

I never was the holy type

yet somehow I always knew God sent you to me

I found you in my prayers

and now I see heaven in your eyes

those sunday eyes, they stole me away

I would have never taken you for a sinner

but if the worst lie you ever told was that you loved me

I would forgive you

as long as you're mine for another week

I'll wait patiently for saturday to end  

and have faith that when I wake up

you'll still be lying next to me 

because no matter how often you leave

those sunday eyes will always be back for more

His name was Innuendo

I'm supposed to write about love. And if you haven't noticed, almost all of my posts are about love.

But here's the truth. I have no idea what love is.

Because in 3rd grade I thought love was that boy letting me sit with him on the monkey bars. He gave me a troll doll with rainbow hair and I thought "This is love."

I lost my doll in the sandbox the next day.

In 7th grade he told me my hair looked nice and I started planning my dream wedding with my dream guy who said I had nice hair. And I thought "This is love."

At lunch I saw him playing with the Lexi the track star's hair.

At the end of 9th grade he took my hand and said he would teach me how to kiss. He touched my cheek and tasted my lips and I thought "This is love."

He told my best friend he would teach her how to kiss too.

And when I decided I was done with love, that boy showed up with his honey smile and said "I love you"

So I let him love me. Maybe a little too much. But he said I was gorgeous and "it feels so good." And after a while I thought "Is this love?"

I have no idea what love is. 

Maybe it's just another 4 letter word that should be considered a curse.

 Maybe it's a synonym for happiness. 

I guess I write about the love that I wish existed, and maybe it does.

 But if it doesn't, at least I've always been good at pretending. 

Haikus About Boys I've Loved